Episode 35: Ruth Fearnow, LMHC
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: And it's, it creates a healing process and it's a beautiful thing to watch.
Jessica Fowler: Welcome back to What Your Therapist is Reading. I'm your host, Jessica Fowler. On today's episode, we are speaking with Ruth Fearnow, LMHC, who is the author of Therapeutic Mindfulness: A Healing Skill, Not a Coping Skill. This book is a synthesis of Ruth's decade long meditation practice and her work healing trauma and mental distress.
Ruth is a certified EMDR therapist in private practice in Fort Wayne, Indiana. When not working or spreading the word of therapeutic mindfulness, Ruth enjoys singing, community theater, and time with her wonderful family. If you're enjoying these episodes and would love to support the podcast, the best way is to leave us a review.
And after today's episode, make sure you head on over to social media @Therapy Books podcast to find out about the latest giveaway. And as always, the information shared on this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only.
Welcome back to What Your Therapist is Reading. Today, we are talking with Ruth Fearnow, LMHC, about her book, Therapeutic Mindfulness, A Healing Skill: Not a Coping Skill. Welcome, Ruth.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Thanks. Thanks for having me.
Jessica Fowler: I'm so excited to have you today. And I was wondering if we can try something a little different than my normal interviews. I was wondering, I have a question for you. If you could share a memory of something that you've read that has impacted your life.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Absolutely. Well, gosh, there's so many books, but since we're talking about this book, um, there was a book that was a catalyst to this process coming together for me. So, like super brief background before I even became a therapist, I, I've been doing different types of meditation. I've been in a regular practice for over a decade. I started in Shaolin China. And so, move forward, I become a therapist. Um, I learned EMDR, I'm trauma focused doing all this stuff. And so I understood a lot of things and then I picked up Tara Brock's book, Radical Acceptance. And she's fantastic. And it's like, stuff, but my understanding, as best I can describe it, it deepened and expanded my understanding of using meditation and different, different versions of mindfulness. And somehow this process that I'm using, it just happened. I started practicing it with people. I had something come up in my life and I practiced it on my turmoil and it, it kind of solidified into a step by step, like a very simplified. You don't have to be a Buddhist. You don't have to be a meditator. Tara Brock's a Buddhist, but you don't have to be a meditator. But there is a way step by step that you can use. And it pulls both from, um, EMDR trauma work and from meditation. So Radical Acceptance and all of her stuff is awesome. Um, and it, it's really led to a lot of good things. So.
Jessica Fowler: That is said a lot about her book. Thanks for sharing that.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: You're welcome.
Jessica Fowler: I love how it ties into what we're talking about today. So, I was wondering before we dive into your book, can you share the difference between mindfulness and therapeutic mindfulness?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Absolutely. So, mindfulness has two components. It is nonjudgmental focused attention together. So, if I'm really focused on something, um, I can have all of my focus on it, but I could be thinking, this is stupid. This isn't going to work. This is dumb. This is annoying. Why am I doing this? And you're judging. So, when you get into, focus attention like in your body and you're not judging it. That's usually the start of guided visualizations, meditations, a lot of practices that we do. So, mindfulness is how you start a meditation, for example, but you could drink tea mindfully. That's really common in Buddhist literature. Now, therapeutic mindfulness is a step-by-step process that I created that is specifically about going into the difficult emotion, because what I learned after I'd been a therapist for a little while, I used to guide people in these visualizations because I was really well versed and I would use them to help therapeutically. And the first time somebody who has very, um, a very chaotic Emotional life does something like visualizing being at the beach. There are a lot of times really surprised at how peaceful they are. So, they're like, O]oh my gosh, this is the answer. This is what I'm going to do all the time. And then something would happen in life and they would feel bad. And they're like, okay, I'm at the beach. I'm at the beach. I hear the waves. I see the dolphins. I feel the sun. And the mindfulness technique in this case of guided visualization now becomes a way to suppress and avoid. And that is not the origin of mindfulness meditation. So basically, therapeutic mindfulness is addressing a missing gap. There's a huge hole with very little in it in the self-help world, in my opinion. And this is addressing, okay, we know how to cope. We, there's a lot of skills out there, but what do you do when you're feeling bad? You let it go. That's nice. How? And this is the answer. So, it's actually using mindfulness principles that is nonjudgmental focused attention to go into your body and into the negative feeling to heal it. That's the difference.
Jessica Fowler: Can you share a little bit about what that process is like?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: So, I did a workshop a little while ago. Um, the process, I'll share the process with this example, but I, when I do workshops, my favorite part is when I actually get to demonstrate in front of everybody.
Jessica Fowler: Oh yeah.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: So, I love it. So, a woman comes up and, um, I ask her to think of something that upsets her. So, step one is to think of a target. So, you have to be emotional to work on emotions. Um, so she thinks of something at work that brings up some emotion for her. And, um, once that happens, we have this thing where our brain wants to go on and on and on about the story and tell us all the reasons why we suck or why we're a victim or why we should feel bad.
You know, just this story, but the story actually makes us feel worse and worse. So, I once the emotion is activated, I have us get out of the story and into the body. So, I say, okay, how do you feel? And she feels shame. Where's that in your body? She feels it in her stomach. So, then I ask a bunch of body focusing questions that helps her get into her stomach.
So, if the feeling had a size, how big would it be? And she shows me with her hands. Um, if it had a color, what would it be? Well, it's marbled kind of like a stone. Um, okay. If I had a texture, what would that feel like? Well, it's rigid. It's got all these ridges and layers. Okay. And if it had a temperature, it's cold. So, we have this really vivid thing of this stone in her stomach. That's weighing her down. It's cold, it's rough, it's uncomfortable. So that's step two. And once, once people do all those descriptions, the story kind of fades into the background. Now they're focused in their body. Okay. That's part of mindfulness. And once they're focused on the physical feeling in their body, I bring in non-judgment and I say, let it be there. Give it space, that feelings are hurt part of you. And when you listen to it, it doesn't have to be alone. So let it be there. And I, and I have these allowing phrases that are part of the process. That's step three. And so, we just go back and forth between noticing what's happening and allowing it to be there. So, I ask her what's changed in the stone. She says, it's not my stomach anymore. It's on my lap. That's not normally what I hear, but I just roll with it. Okay. It's in your lap. So ,I'll let it be there. Well, actually it's not there anymore. She says it's flipped off into space somewhere. Okay. Oh, okay. So, when you think about work, what do you feel this time? There's a shield from her chest to her hips. So, it's no longer shame. She's like, I feel like I can ask for help, but I don't trust. I'm worried about who I can ask and what's right.
So, the shame left, but now there's a fear that she can't trust. And that's a shield. So, we work on the shield for a while until it shrinks and peels off. Then there's another shield under it. That's not metal. It is now porous and softer, but there's still some protections there. And that's the work we got done in less than 20 minutes in front of a group of people reducing, like getting rid of shame and reducing fear.
And with the porous shield, which might be the right level for her. I don't know, but she says, I think I can ask some people, like I can discern who to ask. And that was a big shift for her. Um, so that's just one example. And there's as many feelings and scenarios as there are, are as many examples, but the bottom line is getting out of the logic story and into the body and then listening to yourself. With all your attention without any judgment is sometimes the first time people ever feel truly deeply heard and it's, it creates a healing process and it's a beautiful thing to watch.
Jessica Fowler: For sure it is. I love that. It's a great example. I should also say don't listen to this and then go ahead and do that. You should read the book because there's some, there's some exercises to do to prep for doing something like that that you share in the book too.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Yeah.
Jessica Fowler: So, one of the things I noticed in here was the different modalities that I would guess what has influenced you for the therapeutic mindfulness. Can you share a little bit about those?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Yeah, it really is. The, the years of meditating certainly, um, not only grew me, but influenced or created an understanding of being with myself and listening to myself. Um, and then I became an EMDR therapist specifically, and that really deepened my trauma work because EMDR allows us to go below what's logical in the mind and do healing on the emotional and the subconscious level of the mind. And there are times that, um, now EMDR is fantastic. You know, one of my top two favorite tools. Um, but there are times when it gets blocked. And over time I've learned like, in the book, if you are looking for it, you'll see that there's a theory of healing in the book, and the theory of healing is judgment blocks healing, and self-compassion facilitates healing.
So, what I learned is that even with EMDR, as powerful as it is, if somebody is shaming themselves in the middle of it, it'll block it sometimes. If the same story is strong enough, even EMDR doesn't break through it. Uh, but sometimes it can go to the body. So I, I, I use some tools from EMDR, like the body focusing questions. If it had a size, if it had a color, um, I lifted that from, uh, the I forget what it's called there's a, um, Jim Knipe has an EMDR toolbox book and it was a, it was a chunk, I think from his loving eyes meditation, but just the idea of how to embody the feeling. I found that very useful and applied it to a negative feeling when it shows up. So, um, that's part of the EMDR influence and then just understanding how the mind works. So, I found that when we go into the body, sometimes Shame stories or things that would block EMDR work is a lot more gentle in the body. And so, there are plenty of times when I'm doing EMDR with someone and the shame is too big and I'm like, oh, let's get out of that. Let's go to the body and I'll shift gears and, and guide them in therapeutic mindfulness and I'll start to clear just like, uh, the woman that I had the example, first thing to go with shame. So those are really the primary, uh, sources, my meditation life and, um, my trauma work as a therapist.
Jessica Fowler: And you have some parts work in there too.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Oh my gosh, it's, that's such a funny story. Um, so I started, only in the last few months, I started really getting into IFS and listening to Richard Schwartz, the maker of IFS, aka parts work. I've known of ego states, but parts work if you listen to his story, clients taught him how to do parts work. Well, clients taught me how to do parts work. And so the first time, you know, one part comforted another part, a client did that spontaneously. And I learned from my clients. I'm like, cool. I'm gonna try that with somebody else. And we keep doing that. And I started learning these things. And my chapter nine on self-compassion has a lot of parts work.
Well, only since then have I started following Richard Schwartz and he, you know, I wanted to up my parts game and get better at what I do, and he's helped me do that because he's been doing it for 40 years, but then I'm recording the audio book and I go back and I read the self-compassion chapter. And I'm amazed at how much stuff I was taught that's exactly the same as his. I'm like, Oh my gosh, people think I lifted this. But clients taught both of us. And I've improved, like his skill set has enhanced my skill set. But it just cracks me up. I'm like, he and I, we don't even know. We're like soul brother sister. Going down the porch work road. Yeah, he's fantastic.
Jessica Fowler: And I'll say too, so Parts Work IFS that she's talking about is Internal Family Systems. It's a trauma based, trauma informed therapy. And also EMDR is another trauma informed therapy, both trauma therapies for people who are interested. And I can link to some of that in the show notes. So, who is this book for?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: This book is for a lot, well first, beginning therapist would be my favorite population to get into this book because we learn a lot of theories. We learn basic listening skills and responding and attending skills, but we don't understand what heals. I didn't understand. And I don't know a lot of people that do.
And it's like a lot of those blanks got filled in later as I see an experiment and learn my skill set. And I would love for beginning therapists to have this. It could take them so much further quickly, um, without some of the dangers of like EMDR you're supposed to have quite a bit of experience before you start EMDR.
Um, and this one, you know, there are some warnings, but it is, it is gentler. So, I would love for it to go to beginning therapists or any therapists. I also think it can go to a lot of the self-help population, a lot of the spirituality population, a lot of the meditating population, people doing any of that stuff with some warnings. Um, so if you have some emotional tolerance, emotional functioning, this means that you can sit with some of your emotions. It doesn't overwhelm you. You don't feel like you're leaving your body. You don't feel spacey. You don't feel panicked in terror. You know, like you can sit with some feelings and say, this sucks, but I'm fine. I can function. If that's you, you can start this process. And you can even start it using, you know, using the handouts that are in the appendix and using it on my website. Um, but I do just check for, can you tolerate some emotion and be okay. But anyone that can do that and is motivated can use this process from what I've seen. And so that's why those are the populations that I pick.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, that's why I said that in the beginning when you're starting the process. You want to make sure this book is appropriate for you because it's not appropriate for everybody. Okay.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Yes. Correct.
Jessica Fowler: So what made you write the book?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: It's one of those guided things, one of those soul, fate, I don't know, it's, it's, it's beyond me. The process wasn't me, the doing this, it just feels like what I'm supposed to do. It's funny years ago, I, I had this sense like I was going to write a book and just so you know, I'm not a prolific author. I haven't written a series of books. I just have this sense like, I think I'm going to end up writing a book, but it's just like this nebulous thing in my head and whatever.
I don't know what that's about. Okay. So, as I get into therapy, I start building my skillset, my chops. Um, I'm thinking I could talk about this thing. I could talk about that. I could talk about forgiveness. I could talk about coping skills. I could talk about whatever. I could talk about mindfulness, which a bajillion people are writing about mindfulness now. And I would check in and the answer from my higher power, my guidance is just like, nah. And then, so I'm like, okay. And I have this kind of sense of like the buns still in the oven, you're still baking. And then, um, when everything happened and I read Tara Brock's book and I started practicing this with people, the therapeutic mindfulness, and then my own life blew up and I was practicing and all this stuff was happening. And I'm like, this is helping people a lot. And it's something that they're doing in between sessions when they're not with me. And more and more people are starting to. And therapy, because they're, they're fine. They're like, you helped me with the big thing and the day-to-day stuff I've got, because I know how to sit with my feelings now. And I'm like, this is something different, applicable. They take it home. They don't need me. I should teach more people. And I'm like, should I write about this? And the answer inside was yes. And that's what started it all.
Jessica Fowler: I love that. I can totally understand that. I love that.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Yeah. Just like you with your podcast or something there that just feels right for you right now.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Was the book for me.
Jessica Fowler: I think that's when, you know, sometimes when healing happens, right? We learn to listen to ourselves in a different way and do the things that maybe we're meant to do.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Absolutely agree. Yeah.
Jessica Fowler: So, what are one or two takeaways you would like your readers to walk away with?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Hmm. I'll have to pick something. Oh goodness. Um, okay. I'll, you know what? I'll start with the difference between a healing skill and a coping skill. Coping skills are great. The stuff in positive psychology is great. I am not taking away from any of that. We need all of it. Okay. Coping skills are lovely if I am in a grocery store and I don't want to cry. Coping skills are lovely if I'm with my child and we saw a frightening accident. And I need to be able to be stable for my child.
So, it gets you through the day. It's a good short-term skill. It gets you through the day. It helps you get through life. Now, when the child is in bed, when everything's quiet, we're back to normal, now I can go I can go inside and do a healing skill. So the, the stuff, if you never address it builds up, but we don't know how, again, this is the antidote. This is something different. So the coping skills are wonderful, but they, in my opinion are short term for functional people. There, there are people. Who are struggling to learn, um, how to deal with emotions at all, who might be coming off the streets, off of drugs, that's a different story. But if you're generally functional and you can handle some emotion, but all you've ever had is coping skills, this is something different. You can actually make headway on some of the things happening in your life. So that's why I, the subtitle is a healing skill, not a coping skill. And probably the last thing, um, the second thing I would really like for everyone to take away from this book is the vast importance of self, importance of self-compassion.
We've heard about this a lot. And again, that's one of those things that I really think is okay, but how? Sure, I tell myself nice affirmations, but the moment I mess up and yell at my kid, now I am in a shame spiral of despair. And I don't know how to be kind to myself in that moment. If you're not able to have self-compassion, believe it or not, this process can help build that up for you. Cause I don't even start with self-compassion. I start with non-judgment, right? We're not even going to say, oh, be nice. Give yourself a hug. And you're like, but I'm an idiot. Sometimes that's where our brain is. So instead of being an idiot, what if you just noticed. What if you just got curious and that is at the essence of mindfulness. But what I've learned is that when you practice that and you heal and you grow insights come and self-compassion develops. So, the importance of that is so vital. And this is a practice that can get you there. If you're not there already.
Jessica Fowler: I totally, totally agree. I say it every time someone mentions it on this podcast, we talk about it all the time. I think it's essential for healing.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Absolutely. I agree. So again, sisters, we're figuring this together and we need to, we all do.
Jessica Fowler: We do. We need to do it together for sure. Right. We heal together.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: Agree.
Jessica Fowler: Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I appreciate it. Where can our listeners connect with you?
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: So, um, Ruthfearnow.com, my name. com, um, Ruth fear. Now last name is F like Francis E A R N O W. I have downloads for people, it's the things in the appendix. If you are capable of handling some stuff, they're right there because I want people to use it whether or not you buy the book, there's a lot more in the book. I think it is well worth going into it, but I want people to use this so you can get the downloads. You can access podcasts and then people, if you want to see if I'm doing any events or, um, to get in touch with me for something, then there'll be a contact page there. And also in the first half of 2024, if anyone does a book club with this book, I will show up on zoom or whatever to do a demonstration if you guys are past chapter five, which is the how to section.
Jessica Fowler: Oh, wonderful. Thank you so much.
Ruth Fearnow, LMHC: You are very, very welcome. Thanks for having me.
Jessica Fowler: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of What Your Therapist Is Reading. Make sure you head on over to the website or social media to find out about the latest giveaway.
The information provided in this program is for educational and informational purposes only. And although I'm a social worker licensed in the state of New York, this program is not intended to provide mental health treatment and does not constitute a patient therapist relationship.
About the author:
Ruth Fearnow is a therapist, author and speaker. In her first book, Therapeutic Mindfulness, is a synthesis of her decades-long meditation practice and her work healing trauma and mental distress. Ruth's private journey began as a young woman when she found herself studying kung fu and qi gong in Dengfeng City, China, the home of the famous Shaolin Temple. It was there she began a serious meditation practice. While this skill takes years to develop, this was her first big step to understanding mindfulness practices. A decade later, Ruth graduated with a Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling. Once licensed, Ruth immediately pursued EMDR education, then continued on to certification. Ruth’s early career included a 24/7 dual-diagnosis treatment center, and then several years in agency work. Ruth began her private practice in Fort Wayne in 2018 and has continued serving Indiana clientele. Ruth’s book, Therapeutic Mindfulness, was published May 1, 2023. Ruth's evolution into a trauma therapist has enabled her to integrate age-old wisdom with trauma-informed insight. As a result, she has developed healing philosophies and the process of therapeutic mindfulness which she practices personally, and teaches to her clientele, many of whom use it on their own. Therapeutic mindfulness has now been adopted for professional use by colleagues in the mental health field. When not working or spreading the word of Therapeutic Mindfulness, Ruth enjoys singing, community theater and time with her wonderful family.
To learn more about EMDR click here and for Internal Family Systems here.