Episode 54: Katie K. May
Trigger warning: We will be discussing self-destructive behaviors, self-harm and suicide
Katie K. May: So Emotionally Sensitive, I call it a fire feeler in my book. And what this is, is a person whose emotions are so big for them, it feels like they're on fire with those emotions. They're quick to react, they're easily triggered, they go from 0 to 60 quickly, they take a long time to calm down.
Jessica Fowler: Welcome back to What Your Therapist Is Reading. I'm your host, Jessica Fowler. Prior to starting this episode, I would like to give a trigger warning as we will be discussing self-harm and suicide. Today we are speaking with Katie K. May, LPC, about her book, You're on Fire, It's Fine, Effective Strategies for Parenting Teens with Self Destructive Behaviors.
Katie is the owner and executive director of Creative Healing, is a national speaker and trainer specializing in therapy for teens with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, is one of the only 11 Linehan Board Certified Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Clinicians in Pennsylvania, she's an expert in this gold standard treatment for life threatening behaviors.
Katie is committed to helping teens feel accepted for who they are while teaching them skills to build a life they love. If you're enjoying these episodes and would like to support the podcast, the best way is to leave us a five-star review. And after today's episode, head on over to social media @TherapyBooksPodcast.
To learn about the latest giveaway. And as always, the information shared in this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only.
Welcome back listeners today. We are speaking with Katie Kaye Mays LPC about her book. You're on Fire. It's Fine.
Welcome Katie.
Katie K. May: Hi, thanks for having me.
Jessica Fowler: So, I like to start with asking this question if you can share a memory of how reading has impacted you.
Katie K. May: I love this question. So, reading has impacted me a lot throughout my life.
One memory that comes to mind is being in around seventh or eighth grade and I have a brother who's two years older than me and he was reading a series called the Whale of Time. It was like a fun, fantasy series. And he was so into it. And at the time he would read the book and then he would share it with me and we would talk about it. And it was just this really beautiful memory of the closeness of our connection and childhood, especially considering what was going on in our lives and the chaos of our, our parents lives. That was a sense of connection and stability that really got me through a difficult period.
Jessica Fowler: Oh, I love that, that you have the book and then how you two would talk about it and oh, that's so good. I love that.
Katie K. May: So I was just gonna say, what's cool about that is then now my own teenager has read that series and I got to revisit it with them and talk about it again.
Jessica Fowler: Oh, I love it. This summer I actually, with my two oldest, started a book club. So we're on our third buck this summer and we go out, we get a meal and we talk about it. And I think it's just like, I love it. It's I, I said, I think it's a highlight of my parenting is being able to talk about books with my kids.
Katie K. May: Yes, I love that. It's a great way to connect.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely. So, what is your hope with this book of how it will impact its readers?
Katie K. May: I wrote this book because it was a book that I needed in many ways, both as the teen that I was, as the professional that I am working with teens and parents, and my intention in writing it was to create an accessible book that parents could read to learn how to better parent a teen with emotional sensitivity or self-destructive behaviors. There's not a lot out there and what is out there is kind of dense or clinical and so I really wanted to make this something that they could pick up, understand, connect with, and put into action right away.
Jessica Fowler: So, let's define that. How would you define emotionally sensitive and then also self-destructive behaviors?
Katie K. May: Yeah, so emotionally sensitive, I call it a fire feeler in my book, and what this is, is a person whose emotions are so big for them, it feels like they're on fire with those emotions. They're quick to react, they're easily triggered, they go from 0 to 60 quickly, they take a long time to calm down, and so this biologically or emotionally sensitive person, uses self-destructive behaviors, which could be self-harm, it could be lashing out it could be running away. It could be drug and alcohol use. Any of these things that help this individual bring their emotions down quickly or re regulate.
Jessica Fowler: And so in the book, when somebody opens it up, what do they get? What do your readers get?
Katie K. May: Well, it starts with a personal story of mine. And that's something that was really important to me was sharing my story as a part of this story. So, my story as a troubled teen, my story as a parent, my story as a professional, but it starts with really where my story, my journey of the self-destructive behavior started with my parents’ divorce. The violence and chaos of that divorce and how that impacted me and how that was the catalyst for me to engage in some of these behaviors personally in my teenage years and, and really what I learned from that point forward.
Jessica Fowler: And so then you go through and you give some strategies. What I will say, I read this book and it's very much, really, I will describe it as a way of how parents can regulate themselves. Right. Like this is what it's not about what to really do with your teen. It's about that you are number one and regulating the situation. Can you share a little bit about that?
Katie K. May: It's a real bait and switch, isn't it? I get you in there.
Jessica Fowler: It's like, how am I going to do to make my teen stop? Oh, by the way, you got to focus on yourself.
Katie K. May: That's exactly it. And that was exactly what I was hoping for is we, you know, the motivation as a parent is how do I help my teen feel better? But the truth of that is that parents go first. And so that the summary that I can give. Um, and then the last thing I want to say quickly is yes, that we're looking at ourself. How am I feeling? What are my judgments? How am I reacting? And then what can I do so that I can cope and be the stable force so that my teen feels safe coming to me, falling apart in front of me, not feeling like they need to take care of me when they're the one that's struggling so much. And so, once a parent is able to do that, then we move into strategies for behavior change and reconnection with your teen. But it all starts with looking in the mirror and figuring out how do I regulate before I expect my teen to do that.
Jessica Fowler: So what are some examples of how someone can regulate?
Katie K. May: Yeah, so it depends on where you are on what I call the parental stress meter. If we're lower on the parental stress meter, we're using our proactive and our self-care strategies. Maybe that's movement, maybe it's meditation, it's whatever really works for you and your nervous system. But as we move up on that scale, Let's say you're like a four to six on a sub scale parental stress meter. It's how triggered we are, how reactive or activated we are. Then you're using strategies like being able to sit with your emotion, noticing how it moves through your body, um, breathing into the emotion and allowing it to be. And then if we're really triggered, if we're like eight to 10 on the parental stress meter, we're distracting. We are closing the door, taking a shower so, we're not engaging and lashing out. We are walking away. We are scrolling social media, if that's what we use to distract ourselves, but you really need to know where am I on my stress meter and then what do I do at that point to be the most effective?
Jessica Fowler: Yeah. That is, I think just awareness of where you are. It's when we don't have the awareness and then we're reacting to something and not even realizing, right? If you do, I would say if you do something with intention, right? I mean, we all have mixed feelings about social media, but if you're doing it with intention with a distraction, right, that's a different than if you didn't realize that you were doing it.
Katie K. May: Exactly. It's all about choosing what I do so that I don't react in a way that makes things worse.
Jessica Fowler: And you talk about too, this isn't, so this is definitely how parents can take care of themselves, communicate with their kids, but it's also pointing out, right, that there's, there's safety. So that's always number one.
Katie K. May: Yes. We don't want to walk away when there's a safety concern. So, we always want to be assessing for safety. And there's a couple of points that are always important than that for me, one is being able to have that direct conversation with your teen. If you can't ask the words, are you thinking about hurting yourself? How are they going to feel safe tell you that they are thinking about hurting themselves. Of course we want to make sure that there is a professional involved, this book deals with the parent component of how they manage their emotions when their teen has self-destructive or safety concerning behaviors. But we want the teen to have their own support as well, and we want a professional outside of this book to be able to assess for safety. The parents need to be able to. Have that conversation with their teen.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, to be open. Yeah, to have enough of a conversation getting you talk about this in the book to like getting your relationship the point where you can be in the same room and just talk about things and work your way towards having better communication, right? Because you want that to be able to ask that question and for them to feel safe enough to tell them.
Katie K. May: 100%. That's the hierarchy of connection is really moving up this ladder of being able to be in the same room without conflict, being able to do something together, like watch a show or, um, go on a car ride without conflict. And then finally, once you're able to achieve those things, you can have these interactive conversations because there's a level of trust and safety in the relationship that allows for it.
Jessica Fowler: What would you say a parent should do if they have concerns about their child.
Katie K. May: I'll say what they shouldn't do first.
Jessica Fowler: Okay.
Katie K. May: They shouldn't go snooping around their room, reading their diary, reading their texts before they're having a conversation with their teen. And I say that because I think that's a natural urge that parents have. And I talk about this in the book. I never have, I ever understood more why parents do that do that than when my own team was depressed because you're scared. You want to solve problems. You want them to feel better. But the truth is the best way to do that is to have the conversation with them. So, we lean heavily on our validation skills. I see that you're feeling sad. It makes sense that you feel this way. If you have depression, if you're feeling lonely, if you're feeling left out. So, this is the opening of the conversation. The more that you can observe. Describe what you're seeing and validate why it makes sense for your teen, the more you have those building blocks for them to come to you and share more with you.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely. And so they should reach out to somebody if the teen wants to, or what would you say?
Katie K. May: Absolutely. I think that oftentimes we wait too long to bring a therapist into the picture. I saw this a lot when I worked in higher levels of care, like partial hospital or inpatient. That it wouldn't be until there was a suicide attempt that the teen would actually get the support they needed. And we don't want big and crisis prone behaviors to be the communication of getting support or, you know, that, that being the thing that gets the message across. So, you notice your teen is sad, offer therapy as an option, because why therapy's great for everyone. And if you're suffering, it's there for you.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely. And I think. Hopefully we're doing a better job. Younger generations seem much more willing to go to therapy, so I think that's a good thing.
Katie K. May: I will be in the grocery store and have somebody across the grocery store yell, that's my therapist, and run over to me. I don't think that happened 20 years ago, but they're okay with it.
Jessica Fowler: That's a good thing.
Katie K. May: I think it's great.
Jessica Fowler: I love that. What are one or two takeaways you would like your readers to walk away with?
Katie K. May: Yeah, I think you hit on the first one that really this is a parents go first model that if you want your teen to make changes, it starts with you, you modeling it, you practicing it, you being there and doing it so that they can follow. And then the other important point that I always like to talk about is that parenting is forever a grieving process. Whether your kid is self-destructing or just growing up, you're moving from them being attached to you and needing you, to not needing you. And that's healthy. And that's that's typical development. And if we're always, you know, looking in the mirror and putting things back to us, that transactional model, it means that we need to evolve and change alongside our kid because they need different things from us as they get older.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah. What would you say, or who should read your book?
Katie K. May: Any parent? Um, I'll go through a couple ideas of who should though.
Parents who have teenagers with self-destructive behaviors, parents who are struggling with how to set limits with their teen or how to set rules that align with their values. I've also had several of my friends tell me that it's helping them heal their inner child and struggles that they had when they were a teenager. So if you're an adult who had troubled teen years, this may be a way to help you validate your experience and move through some of that past pain.
Jessica Fowler: That makes sense. I can see how all those fit. I do think it's, I mean, yes, it's sort of geared towards a parent who has a teen who is struggling, but it's definitely just a parenting book that can be helpful, right? Because we all have our struggles, even if those things aren't happening. It's, it is about the parent and regulating yourself and ways to validate your kid, which strengthens a relationship.
Katie K. May: Exactly.
Jessica Fowler: Nice. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. Anything else the reader or listeners should know?
Katie K. May: I don't think so. I think we covered it all.
Jessica Fowler: Good. Excellent. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. Where can our listeners connect with you?
Katie K. May: There's a website connected to the book. Youreonfireitsfine.com. There are free resources there that compliment what you learn in the book to help you take it further and apply it to your life.
Jessica Fowler: Wonderful. Well, thank you.
Katie K. May: Thank you.
Jessica Fowler: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of What Your Therapist is Reading. Make sure you head on over to the website or social media to find out about the latest giveaway. The information provided in this program is for educational and informational purposes only.
And although I'm a social worker licensed in the state of New York, this program is not intended to provide mental health treatment and does not constitute a patient therapist relationship.