Episode 61: Katesha Reid, LPC
Katesha Reid, LPC: I'm so and so's mom, so and so's wife, so and so's daughter, but who am I?
Jessica Fowler: Welcome back to What Your Therapist Is Reading. I'm your host, Jessica Fowler. It is exciting to be back. We will have a range of topics to explore over the next few weeks, and I'm excited to dive into these books with all of you. To get started, today we are speaking with Katesha Reid about her book, Beyond Someone's Something. A guide to self-discovery for every woman trapped in labels. Katesha Reid, affectionately known as KD, is a devoted, licensed, professional counselor, dynamic speaker, insightful author, loving wife, nurturing mother, and above all, a faithful vessel of God. With nearly 15 years of experience in the social service field, Katesha has dedicated herself to serving diverse communities in various capacities. Her passion lies in guiding women to rediscover and reconnect with themselves beyond their labels, offering a blend of counseling, coaching, and curation tailored to empower and enlighten. After today's episode, make sure you head on over to social media @TherapyBooksPodcast to learn about our latest giveaway.And as always, the information podcast is for informational and educational purposes only.
Welcome back, listeners. Today, we are speaking with Katesha Reid. Welcome. How are you?
Katesha Reid, LPC: I'm fantastic. How are you? I am well.
Jessica Fowler: I'm excited to talk about Beyond Someone's Something” A Guide to Self-Discovery for Every Woman Trapped in Labels. And so this is a great topic to talk about. But before we jump into that, I like to ask this question. Can you share a memory of how reading has impacted you?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yes, so when you ask me that two things come to mind number one I love to read and reading even when I was reading like Babysitters Clubs or you know Anything like that it gave me an escape not that life was horrible, but it still gave me an escape It allowed me to go to different places that I wasn't actually at, and so it exposed me to a lot. And the other memory was, I've been a poet my whole life, but it wasn't until middle school that I really realized that this could be a full tangible thing of, like a body of work. And so when I read a book of poems in middle school, again, that exposed me and opened my mind to different possibilities.
Jessica Fowler: I love that, seeing how, you know, the written word doesn't necessarily have to be a novel, right? That it can be poetry, it can be anything, really. Not to put you on the spot, but do you have a favorite poem?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Oh, my favorite poem would be anything Langston Hughes, Maya Angelo. I don't have like a favorite one, but any, those are my two favorite poets.
Jessica Fowler: Nice. Thank you for sharing that. So now that we know that reading has had this impact on you, so from an early age, what is your hope that this book will have on your readers? What's the impact you would like it to have?
Katesha Reid, LPC: My hope is that a woman will pick this book up and feel seen and feel hurt and feel validated in the feelings that she has, but has fear sharing that with other people. So, I want her to read it and see herself, and not only see herself, but also know that she's not the only one dealing with what she's dealing with and that her feelings are valid.
Jessica Fowler: So let's talk about that title, Beyond Someone's Something. Can you expand on that a little bit for me?
Katesha Reid, LPC: So I was working with a client one day and we were talking about like her identity because I'm big on that like what is your identity outside of your titles and she said, you know, I don't know I've always been someone something and when she said it I was like, oh, that's it Like that's what I want people to get to or that's where people get stuck is I'm so and so's mom, so and so's wife, so and so's daughter, but who am I? And a lot of times we don't know that. So, when she said it, all kind of like bulbs went off, and I was like, that has to be the title of the book.
Jessica Fowler: Well, you talk about this in, well, I mean, obviously you talk about this in the book, but even that idea of You know, as women, right, what do you, what are you going to do when you grow up? What are you, when you get married, when you have kids? And then those questions kind of stop and it's, well, you had kids.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Right. So now what is next?
Jessica Fowler: And as women, right, especially I can experience this for myself, that idea of, okay, that these milestones have happened, but it does create this identity in you of, well, who am I now? And this sort of search for identity that happens once you become a mother.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yeah. And then even when you, when you are a mother and you love it, but there's still that part of you that's like, something's missing or what about the thing I used to love to do? And being able to share that with people and even acknowledge it for yourself without the fear of people saying, well, you know, you're married and you have kids, you should be happy or you should be grateful or you should be thankful. And so, I want people to know that two things can be true. I can be grateful for being a mom. That doesn't mean that I don't miss whatever it is, you know, cause we put it down and we'll say, oh, I'll come back to this. And then one kid happens, and two, and in my case, you know, another one sneaks up on you, and so you have to be very intentional about that.
Jessica Fowler: Well, and that's sort of that. One of the chapters that I really liked was this both and and. Can you share a little bit more about that?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yeah, that's my favorite chapter, too, because for me in my life, that was a game changer. When I learned that you can have both and you don't have to choose because that's where the friction comes in do I choose being a businesswoman? I love it. Do I choose being a wife and a mom? I love it and then it was just one day I was like, but who's like, where did this start that we had to choose? Because with men we see businessmen with families like it doesn't and I can't speak for what men go through but it doesn't seem like they've ever had to choose and so when I adopted that and I when people would say do you want this or this and oh, we can have both and again, that expanded my reality. So, then I sought out women who were doing both, like powerful women who were doing both, women in my neighborhood who were doing both, and once you know something is a possibility, that's all you need is to see it one time to know that it's possible.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely. And I'll say this, I mean, I guess in my experience, I see more of a transition with men that I think more are struggling with this because there's more pressure to be more involved and fathers are, you know, probably more involved than they were a generation ago. And so I do, I do see a little bit more of that pressure, but the both and I talk about that a lot in my practice too. And that expands so much. Yeah. Right, not even just with this, but expands and so many things that we experience, even just our feelings, we can have so many different feelings. It's not just one or two, like several can be going on. And you talk about that in the book, like exploring all the different feelings that could be happening and making room for all of them.
Katesha Reid, LPC: I think that for me, I want people to also get from the book, a lot of these concepts expand beyond this friction between motherhood and like, You know, your personal identity, like you said, it applies to your feelings like when I'm grieving, can I be happy and say, yes, can I be sad and angry? Yes. You know, even in business or just every aspect of your life, once you realize you don't always have to choose. Now, you may have to make accommodations or some sacrifices, but the reality is in any aspect, you can have both and.
Jessica Fowler: And in the book, you talk about what to do with that. And one way is to journal and to just explore and acknowledge that these things are happening.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yeah. Yeah, um, I love journaling and you know in this day and age some we have so many ways you can journal. You don't have to do paper and pen I like paper and pen, but I like paper. I like supplies, but you can do a voice journal you can set up a video journal where no one sees it but you because sometimes you know, our mind is going so fast. We can't write fast enough there's so many different aspects and what I love about journaling is it causes you or gives you a space to be honest with you. And that's, sometimes we don't share because we don't want other people to know. You don't have to be honest with other people, I mean you do. But the first person you have to be honest and transparent with is yourself. Because so many times we push feelings down, down, down. When you acknowledge it to yourself, hey, this is what I'm feeling. Because I don't believe feelings are good or bad. They just are what you feel as a result of your experiences. So just to say it, the first time I said, hey, I'm overwhelmed as a wife and a mom, I feel suffocated and I miss me. The first time I said that I cried because I felt so bad, but it wasn't, um, it didn't have anything to do with my family and it didn't make me a bad person for feeling that. It was actually once I got past the sadness of it again, it was that both and once I got past the sadness, I felt a freedom.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, being able to acknowledge what's happening, right? Because we know that about feelings, right? The more we stuff them, I always say the louder they get and they come out sideways. Like they're going to come out some way. So, if we acknowledge them, then they can come out in a healthy way.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yes.
Jessica Fowler: Can you share a little bit about how this book is set up for the listeners so they have an understanding of what they get when they open up the book?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Okay, so it's set up as an interactive journey. There's prompts in there for you to do. There are questions for you to reflect on. And it's not meant, you can read it in a short period of time, but if you need time to process, it's set up that way too. There's even a pause in the middle of the book because I know. That sometimes having these feelings is one thing, but acknowledging them and working on them can bring about other things. And so sometimes we need to pause and sit in that, um, and so it's set up that way. And like I said, there's tangible things, there's even videos that go with it. And so it's like me walking with you on this journey.
Jessica Fowler: And what are some of the other topics that you talk about in the book?
Katesha Reid, LPC: I talk about changing our language. That's my other favorite part because words are so powerful. Um, when I shifted from, I remember hearing something about balance and it didn't resonate with me. I don't necessarily like when people say they're searching for balance because balance is everything is equal at one time and that's not how life is set up. And so, for me, changing our words, you know, from strength to resilience or balance, or even saying that something is a failure, it's not necessarily you failed at it, it's a lesson. So, when I realized, that's another key thing, when I realized that changing my language shifted how I felt about certain things, it released a lot of guilt.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, I liked that too, learning how to change it. The balance one I talk about a lot too, because for some reason I don't you know, I think we can look at where that came from, but that idea of balance is just not realistic, and if we're striving for something that isn't possible, we're going to be disappointment, disappointed, miserable, sad, depressed, because it's not possible.
Katesha Reid, LPC: It's not. It's not I think of it more as juggling. Juggling is a beautiful act and you know the beginning you can't get it but you figure it out, and if you're juggling something's in the air, but it's still in your sight for example last week I was at a therapist summit, so I wasn't in my mom role, but my kids are always in my sight I always know what's going on, but I needed I owed me to be able to focus fully . And then sometimes I'm in full mom mode and the business is on the side or in the air. It's not in my hand, but it's always in my sight.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely, because it's sometimes family is going to need more attention and sometimes work or sometimes extended family or friends, right? It's, it is juggling. It's where can my priority be or the attention? And the other part about that, though, you talk about in the book too, is that reflection afterwards. Because I think that's really important, whether it's journaling or at the end of the day or midday, just saying to yourself, okay, is this okay how I handle it? How am I feeling about it? You know, what do I need right now?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yes, yes. That's so key checking in with yourself Because how many times do we feel feelings or we see people feel things or not even feel it? They'll say it and they'll just rush past it Oh, I did this, da, da, da, da, and I'm like, oh, wait, you know, we should probably talk about that. But we go so much, or it's a part of our lives, we don't really think about it. So that's how you can repeat things, though. If you're not reflecting, you're going to repeat something that is not working for you. So really sitting down and say, hey, just for example, in parenting, I feel like parenting is the most humbling thing you can do because it makes you like use all of your therapeutic skills, you know, and I have a wide range of kids from 16 and nine and then a two year old is in there, honey . So I have to reflect often and say am I saying just for example am I saying no or did I say no for a reason or because that's what I was taught or like it's all these things and if I don't reflect then I'm going to keep doing the thing, and I'm damaging something, myself, or I'm damaging the child, and I'm not allowing myself to process that. Even if I, even if I reflect, I may be like, hey, I need a little more self-care tomorrow. But if I don't reflect, then I'm just going to keep pushing through, and pushing through, and then I'm going to be burnt out.
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, you're going to keep going and going. And part of that, you talk about this too in the book, um, I'm realizing all the things you talk about in the book as we talk, but is that unlearning, right? I think that's an example when we just say no, and you don't even think about it. Right, that's unlearning. Yes. Maybe that's how you were raised, or you just don't think because you're in survival mode. It's how do I unlearn that to maybe reflect a little bit.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Unlearning is a big thing, you know, like, because you have to acknowledge that, yes, you were taught this, and maybe it served you in a season, or maybe that person, it served them and they passed it to you, but really reflecting on does this serve, does this reflect the life I want to live? You know, and that's part of that reflection. You have to sit and think, what are some things that I learned? And I really don't know the basis for it. I really don't know where this came from, or I really don't like how this is serving me. And it causes you to grow. It's uncomfortable, but it causes you to grow. And I always use the example of telling my kids no, because there was a moment when I said no, and my daughter asked me why, and I had no answer. Cause I really didn't know why. And in that moment I realized, you know what, I think she was asking why she had to say yes ma'am instead of yes in a respectful way and I realized, I really don't know why you have to say yes ma'am. It didn't bother me when you said yes. And so, I had to, in that moment I grew. I'm setting my own standards for what works for me. But if I didn't reflect on it, if I could have just said, well, I'm the mom and I say it. I wouldn't have reflected on it and then things wouldn't have changed. And then you realize, that takes stress off me because I really don't care if they say yes or yes, ma'am. It's not that big a deal to me. You know, but reflection, it was uncomfortable. Because then I had to acknowledge, oh, I had been taught this. It worked then. It worked for my mom and my grandmother for whatever the reason, but for me, it wasn't that big a deal. That took reflection.
Jessica Fowler: Mm hmm. Right, and you're able to have that conversation with her.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Mm hmm.
Jessica Fowler: Right, that's a big deal.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yeah, because I want my children, especially my daughters, to know that you, everything I teach you, I feel like it's good now, but when you get older, it's okay if you change some things. It's okay if you don't accept everything people tell you.
Jessica Fowler: Mm hmm. To, to instill that, how do we critically think about these things, right?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yes. Critical thinking is key.
Jessica Fowler: So I'm curious, what made you decide to write this book?
Katesha Reid, LPC: I, in therapy, you can only work with so many people one on one. And I saw this, I experienced this, I wrote this book for the me 10 years ago. But then as I'm working with women, and I'm realizing if the people I'm working with are dealing with this. There's many women that I'll never get to sit in front of one on one. There's women who just need to read this book and have this experience in person. Like, with their sales. And then maybe they'll go to a therapist. So I wrote it because it's going to reach more people than I can ever reach doing one on one sessions.
Jessica Fowler: And so who is the book for?
Katesha Reid, LPC: The book is for women who are wives and moms and who feel like something is missing or they feel like they have lost their selves along the way. Maybe it's one day you look in the mirror and you're like, I don't know myself. Beyond being someone something or maybe you're thinking one day. Hey, I put down a hobby five years ago and I said I was gonna pick it back up or Maybe you enjoy being a wife and a mom, but some part of you doesn't feel fulfilled, you still have hopes you still have dreams. You still have goals. You still have time to identify what you want to be when you grow up and so I wrote it for the woman who, who feels that nagging at her, but doesn't know what it is or knows what it is and doesn't feel comfortable saying it. I want her to read the book and be like, wow, this, this is me. This book was specifically curated for me. And then I want her to be able to read it, have the experience, and then take action.
Jessica Fowler: I love that it's, this is where it comes from, right? This idea of, okay, something, I need something more, or I'm missing a piece of me, or however you want to describe it. And here's a tool to help with that self-discovery piece again. And I'll add that this is a short read. It's interactive, like you said. It's 100 percent interactive. And it's short, so it's not overwhelming, especially with moms who are busy, have a lot going on. This is not a 300 page commitment. It's short.
Katesha Reid, LPC: And that was intentional. Yeah. Because I don't, you don't want, I don't want to put one more thing on your plate to do. You know, grab it, put it in your purse, read it at practice, read it at night, at self-care, if you can do 15 minutes a day. You know, I don't want to be like, yeah, you need, I know you need something. Here's a six section novel or, you know, I want it to be realistic. What can you read? What can you digest? And then what can you go and do?
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, which I think is when it comes to moms, particularly new moms, and this isn't necessarily for new moms, but I mean, it can be for new moms, but it's just for kind of anyone in that journey. But I, that is one of my favorite things is when they're shorter. So, it's not overwhelming. It doesn't just sit on a bookshelf.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Right. Right.
Jessica Fowler: I mean, well, we're therapists. I'm sure you're like me. You probably have a stack of books too, which is why I have this podcast so you can determine which ones are for you.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yes.
Jessica Fowler: Um, well, wonderful. Is there anything else that our listeners should know?
Katesha Reid, LPC: Um, I think they should know that If you're not happy with where you are, it's okay, and you can make a decision. And I know there's fear in making decisions, but someone said this to me, and again, it changed me, it exposed me to a new life. She said, if you make a decision, and it's not the right decision, you make another one. And I don't know why that had never crossed my mind before, but she was like, you're not a tree, you can change again. And I was like, oh, because we get stuck right at the point we have to make a decision. Make a decision. If that's not the right decision for you and your family, make another decision.
Jessica Fowler: Absolutely. Absolutely. I say that all the time, too, because it is, it's so true that if you make a decision, right, if it turns out not to be the right decision, you get to change it.
Katesha Reid, LPC: You get to change it.
Jessica Fowler: It's, I mean, well, maybe not all things, but the majority of things, right? You get to make a different decision to figure out what works for you.
Katesha Reid, LPC: And that, that really, it, it takes away a lot of the fear. Because that's the fear. The fear is not necessarily of the thing I want to do. It's, is this the right thing? So, I feel like it's the right thing. I'm going to do it. If it's not, I'll just back up and do the other thing, the other option I had.
Jessica Fowler:Well, and it's the change. We're creatures of habit. Yes. We like to.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Absolutely, absolutely.
Jessica Fowler: We tend to have a hard time with change.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Yeah, especially, I feel like, especially since I've become a mom, uh, I like schedules. I like, you know, so if this is our schedule and I'm going to add this new hobby in, it's like, oh, I've got to change all this. But the reality is, what is the cost of not changing? And sometimes the cost, a lot of times the cost of not changing, the cost of not going after the thing you desire, is resentment, its sadness, it can lead to depression, you know, when I was this person 10 years ago, I was in a very depressed state, but it was because I was afraid. And so I'll take, now that I've been through that, I'll take change any day over staying still, because what is the cost?
Jessica Fowler: Yeah, which is such a good, such a good, important thing to ask yourself, right? If I continue on this way and I don't make any changes, what's the cost, right? And it can be depression, sadness impacts your relationship, your journey as a mom, right? It's taking that first step. And this book is a great example of how to start taking that first step with that reflection piece. Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. Where can our listeners connect with you?
Katesha Reid, LPC: So, the best way to connect with me is on Facebook under my name, Kateshia Reid or KD. Reid because I have a page and I also have a safe space, a Facebook group for moms there. So, on Facebook is the best way.
Jessica Fowler: Wonderful. Well, thank you so much.
Katesha Reid, LPC: Thank you for having me.
Jessica Fowler: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of What Your Therapist Is Reading. Make sure you head on over to the website or social media to find out about the latest giveaway. The information provided in this program is for educational and informational purposes only. And although I'm a social worker licensed in the state of New York, this program is not intended to provide mental health treatment and does not constitute a patient therapist relationship.